• Nicole

2019 Was A Fucked-Up Year, But I Have Hope For 2020

Well, 2019 was one fucked-up year. I’m sorry for the language, but there’s really no other way to say it. It was fucking hard. The most difficult time of my life, actually.


Sometimes I wonder how I made it through. It’s been 10 months since I was diagnosed and I still don’t quite believe this is my reality. I still catch myself thinking “Is this really fucking happening to me?”

I know I’m lucky to have found my cancer early. But that doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods. I know it can come back. I know it could still spread. I think about this every single day. And the fear I feel from this possibility can be paralyzing.


So I try to focus on what I can control rather than worry about what I can’t; I try not to waste the time I have being bitter about a diagnosis I can’t change.


Some days I really fail at this. I let myself grieve the things I’ve lost and feel fear for a future I can’t predict. I get angry that this happened to me. I tell myself I don’t deserve to suffer like this. I’m too young. Too healthy. That it’s not fair.


But then I realize this is just life. It's MY life. And there's no avoiding that sometimes it just fucking sucks.


I’d love to throw this entire year into the trash and never think of it again. But I can’t do that. Because my life didn’t stop even though I had cancer. And you know what? So many amazing things happened in 2019.


My son took his first steps.


He learned to talk.


He told me he loved me. (He also said “Go away, mama.” Ha!)


My husband started his own business. And was successful. I’m so proud of him.


And I found the courage and motivation to start this blog.


I’ve only been sharing my work for two months, but I’m so inspired by the feedback I’ve received. Especially from fellow breast cancer survivors. This makes me very hopeful for the future.


My involvement in this community has also made me realize my perspective as a young cancer survivor is not unique; there are too many of us that have faced this terrible disease. And that’s also the reason I can’t ignore the opportunity I have to empower others.


If I can use my situation to improve someone else’s life; provide a little more hope; inspire growth and gratitude - then I know my experience hasn’t been for nothing.


And that’s why instead of trashing 2019, I’m going to give it a purpose. I’m going to embrace my fucked-up cancer life and grow from this mother-fucking fire.


And I’m going to continue to share it with you.


The daily struggles; the long-term effects; the unimaginable lessons that parallel true fear and grit; and the immense gratitude and awareness that can arise from adversity.

I don’t know what 2020 will bring. I don’t know how this blog will continue to evolve. But if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that not knowing is OK. It’s a part of life. All I can really do is hope.


So here’s some general topics I hope to share with you in 2020:

  • All the real and raw details of having breast cancer at 30 years old - from diagnosis through my current treatment and future reconstruction

  • Parenting, marriage, sex, and everything in between when you’re in survival mode with your partner

  • Motherhood anxiety, struggles, and love from the inspiring viewpoint of a preemie mom

  • My constant struggle with embracing mindfulness as a type-A, over-thinking, planner

  • The advantages and challenges of embracing minimalism and a simplified lifestyle

My hope is to post weekly, but I’m also continuing with active treatment, reconstruction, and work full-time so there may be times my writing stalls. Forgive me as managing side-effects, appointments, and recovery can be all-consuming.


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Finally, the greatest compliment I could receive is for people to share my work. If you feel my posts are inspiring and relevant, please recommend my blog to others who may relate.


Thank you and Happy New Year!

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